Chapter 14 - Alienation

  Alone along the way, the only thing that always sustained me was my attachment and trust in my loved ones. And the strength of this support finally collapsed with the arrival of the truth.   In my heart, that once flawless glazed world, since the wedding day, has lost all its luster, and now finally fell from the nine heavens to the dust, turning into a rubble. From now on, even if the palace is still the same, the splendor does not change, my memory of the flying red dripping cui, goblet flowing water, Hua Fu Qingtan ...... is no longer then the scene.   Everything has been different.   Since I was born, I have never cried so wretchedly.   When I lost my grandmother, I was sad, but I didn't realize that there is another kind of hurt that can make one's heart ache.   At that time, there was still Zi Tama, there was still family ...... but now there is only a strange embrace.   That night, I don't remember what I said, nor do I remember what Xiao Qi said.   I only remember that I was in his arms, crying like a child.   Curled up in his arms, his breath made me gradually quiet, no longer want to move, do not want to open my eyes ......   When I woke up, it was already the next morning, Xiao Qi did not know when to quietly leave.   I lie in bed, hand still grasping his overcoat on the outside of the coverlet, no wonder the dream trance thought he was still around.   My heart suddenly felt empty, as if I had lost something.   By the maidservant waiting to freshen up and eat, I let them at their mercy, lost in thought, the heart of a blank.   A small girl with a round face and big eyes, holding a bowl of medicine with both hands, half-kneeling in front of the couch, presenting the medicine.   This small girl, less than the size of my unmarried body.   As I looked at her, I could not bear it for a moment and raised my hand for her to stand up.   She buried her head extremely low and carefully stood up, but the tray in her hand was tilted, and the bowl of medicine tipped over, splashing half of my body with the medicine.   All the servant girls suddenly panicked, hands and feet messy swarmed up to clean up, each yelling "slave girl should be damned".   That little girl crouched on the ground and couldn't stop kowtowing, so scared that she couldn't speak.   "Get up." I was helpless, looked at the stains on my body and sighed, "Don't prepare the bath soup."   I looked at these trembling maidservants in front of me, and thinking about my own situation, I couldn't help but lower my head and laugh bitterly.   The same is Shaoying woman, other people's lives as ants, and still trying to survive, why do I have to give up the reason.   I have not gotten out of bed since I was injured and sick, and I have not bathed for many days, as I have been waiting for someone to clean me up.   Fortunately, the weather in the north is cool, but if it were a hot day, I am afraid it would be even more unbearable.   These days, I haven't even looked in the mirror, I don't know what I've become.   Even if the family abandoned me, the side does not love me ...... I always still have to cherish themselves.   In the vapor, I slightly tilted my head and smiled, so that the tears were water vapor diffused through.   Who will not see my tears, will only see me smiling like a flower, as after the wedding - how I smiled over that day, and now, still have to be the same smile to go on.   There is no hot spring orchid soup, XiangXiQiongLi, this simple wooden barrel, boiling hot water, but also fresh and clean.   Wash clean the dirt, four body light, the spirit for one of the refreshing.   When I saw the clothes presented by the maid, I immediately laughed and laughed. One by one, the brocade embroidery is bright and colorful, gorgeous and extraordinary, but none of them can be worn.   "Who prepared all this?" I casually picked up a red peony embroidered gold tunic, and looked at the emerald bracelet in the tray, and laughed appallingly, "Dressed like this, can you go sing in the opera?"   That little girl pretty face red, panicked to kneel again to apologize.   "Just." I raised my hand to stop her, not bothering to look at the pile of clothing, "Pick a set of plain is."   I turned out, scattered wet hair, slowly walking to the mirror.   The person in the mirror is wearing a snow-white silk coat, long hair scattered over, such as ink-colored satin from both shoulders down.   Snow skin, cloud temples, trimmed eyebrows as old, eyebrows or my eyebrows, only the jaw pointed, pale face, than the past days thin a lot.   However, this pair of eyes, the same deep pupils and long eyelashes, clearly there is something different.   Where is different, I can not say, only feel the mirror in the dark eyes, such as water fog, no longer see clear.   I smiled, the woman in the mirror also smiled, and these eyes, but half a smile is not.   "Wangfei, you see this body suitable?" The little girl brought in the clothes and timidly bowed her head.   I looked back, did not feel smile, she picked a sky blue wide-sleeved robe, plain gauze for cape, elegant and elegant about the vegetarian, very suitable for me.   "What is your name?" I was combing and dressing on the one hand, and sizing up this little girl on the other.   She kept her eyes downcast, not daring to look at me, "My name is Yu Xiu."   "How old?" I asked her indifferently, casually picking a jade hairpin to loosely tie up my wet hair.   "Fifteen." Her voice was as thin as a gnat.   I stared at her carefully, my heart a burst of frustration ...... is only fifteen years old, and when I was married, I was the same age.   Look closely at this girl, although not as good as Jin'er jade snow can be, but also eyebrows beautiful, quite spiritual.   Thinking of Jin'er, just suppressed the sourness and floated to the heart ...... although it is the master and servant, but since childhood grew up together, the love score is different from others. I now have no time to take care of myself, body like flotsam, I do not know where she has drifted to.   For a while, the heart stifled.   I silently walked to the window, but saw a bright court, sunshine through the shade, silk sprinkled into the house.   It turned out that it was already late spring, and even summer was almost here.   "This house is too stuffy, accompany me out for a walk." I dismissed everyone, leaving only Yu Xiu to follow me.   Stepping out of the door, the breeze is gentle, the sunlight warmly sprinkles on my body, in front of me are high pillars and flying eaves, the courtyard trees are deep blue, I feel enlightened.   "Wangfei ...... you add an outer robe, outside cool it." Yu Xiu rushed up, holding a robe in his hands, a face of worry.   I looked back at her, heart touched, but only laughed: "This time of year, which still wear a robe."   In previous years, I was my favorite summer, the capital in the summer heat, every May spring twilight, the palace women are changed into light and airy sarongs, walking between the sleeves fluttering, belt when the wind, one by one, as if the garden fairies.   Yu Xiu listen to me talk about these, full of face is the God.   Along the way, the courtyard corridor simple and clumsy, looks like an ordinary northern family's deep house, but there are a few like the government offices.   "The king lives here on a daily basis?" I turned around and asked Yu Xiu.   Yu Xiu thought for a moment and nodded hesitantly, "There are times when the king also lives in the military camp."   I roughly understood, thinking that Xiao Qi had always used the government offices as his residence and did not build a separate royal residence.   I heard that he was from a poor family and was frugal in nature, so it seems to be true. If I were to replace my brother, where can I stand this kind of humble residence.   I was curious and asked Yu Xiu: "What does the king do on weekdays in his residence?"   "The king is always busy, back to the house, but also often busy until midnight." Yu Xiu sidelong head thought, "Occasionally idle, will drink wine and play chess with General Song, General Hu, sometimes alone to read books, sword practice ...... nothing else."   Yu Xiu said Xiao Qi, full of awe, words also gradually more and more.   I looked down and pursed my lips and smiled, only to feel that person is so old-fashioned, all day long to live such a boring life.   "There isn't even a singer in the mansion?" I casually teased, the words did not fall, but heard a burst of women's laughter came.   I stopped and raised my eyes, but I saw a few women turn out from the front corridor.   When they first saw me, they froze in place and only looked at me in a daze.   When the first one panicked kneeling down, mouth called "Wangfei", the crowd only then rush to kneel on the ground.   I stared at the first two women to do women's dress, a person wearing apricot red narrow-sleeved shirt, pretty face, slender body, hair beads and emeralds slightly trembling; the other person dress plainer, a little younger, more beautiful eyebrows.   This body is different from the ordinary maidservant's dress, I look at it, I already understand.   Heart seems to have been pinched hard, I choked, only feel the tightness of the throat.   Yes, I had forgotten about this layer.   The apricot-red clothed woman grabbed the opportunity to speak before me, "Yu'er greets the princess."   She said on one side, while raising the corner of her eye to look at me, her gaze swept over the hem of my clothes, and when she looked down, the jade ring around her ear, glittering light turned.   This pair of earrings reminds me of the emerald bracelet just now, vaguely the same set of objects.   Suddenly, about understand those gorgeous clothes and jewelry is someone for me to buy.   "Yu'er?" I smiled and said, "After I arrived, was it you who organized my living?"   She slightly raised the corner of her eye, "It is the slave girl's duty to serve Your Highness, I'm afraid that my subordinates will be stupid and make Your Highness suffer."   This kind of eloquent speech, but it is a host mother talking to the guest tone.   I was surprised to the extreme, do not feel lost in laughter.   Seeing me laugh, she was a little more courageous, so she raised her head to look at me.   Meet my gaze, she froze, eyes have a color of envy.   "What a beautiful girl." I smiled faintly, "I am worried about the lack of an eloquent person by my side, tomorrow you will come over and follow Yu Xiu."   Yu'er blushed as if she had been greatly humiliated, lifting her voice, she said, "Reporting back to Your Highness, the slave girl serves beside His Highness."   I raised an eyebrow, "Oh, the maids beside the king's master are not to be dispatched?"   Xing'er stiffened and her pretty face turned white.   I frowned and asked Yu Xiu, "Is there such a rule in the royal residence?"   Yu Xiu replied crisply, "Back to Your Highness, I have never heard of such a rule."   Yu'er's face was filled with shame and indignation, bowing her head and biting her lip, her shoulders shaking slightly.   The Juanxiu woman behind her was busy kowtowing and said, "The slave girl knows her sins, sister Yu is reckless and ignorant, and did not intend to bump into Wangfei, I beg for Wangfei's forgiveness."   I swept her a glance and smiled faintly, "I like people who know the importance of lightness, tomorrow you will come along."   Kneeling on the ground of the crowd of women look at each other cowering, body more and more ambush lower and lower, silent as a cicada.   I turned around and whisked my sleeve away.   Turned through the corridor, to no one, Yu Xiu can not help but laugh out loud, "This can be good, Wangfei once she came and then no longer have her share of wantonness!"   I stopped, pursed my lips coldly, and sank my face.   Yu Xiu touched my gaze, her body shrank, no longer dare to speak.   Chest like blocking a ball of fire, breath turbulence, no longer difficult to calm.   It is my stupidity, this is what should have thought, who does not have a few concubines, not to mention like Xiao Qi such a high position of power, alone outside the man in his prime. Not to mention the fact that as a feudal king, even ordinary officials have concubines, let alone a man as flamboyant as my brother.   Before he married his sister-in-law, he already had three favorite concubines with him. Before he married his sister-in-law, he already had three favorite concubines. When she entered the family, she brought with her four concubines, and two years later, when she passed away, although he did not take another wife, he had a few more beauties in succession.   My mother was the eldest princess, and after marrying my father, she also allowed him to take a concubine.   Before I was born, that Han died, and since then my father has never had a concubine, and my mother is very loving.   Not bad, all of this is more than ordinary.   However, no matter how many men in this world have concubines, no matter how much I think of my brother or father, it doesn't quell my irritation. I can't tell if it's irritation, disdain, or what.   I have never tasted this kind of taste, in the past day Tantan in my side, will never look at another woman, unlike the Prince brother left and right, the East Palace concubines compete for favor to make a mess. At that time, I was still ignorant, but also categorically want to, in the future married, will never allow him to take another woman, do not allow others to share my son-in-law.   But that is Zi Tan, is with me childhood sweethearts, my eyes only one, his heart should also be only one.   Xiao Qi is different.   I have never been in love with him, and I have never been in love with him. He is only my nominal husband, an ally that my father exchanged for me as a bargaining chip.   He's been married for three years and doesn't see me, and it's not unusual for him to live alone and have concubines - how many concubines he has is his business, and it's none of my business.   Thinking about this, I smiled to myself, but there is an inexplicable bitterness in my heart, and it is difficult to speak of it.   I leaned on the porch, stroked my chest, and laughed bitterly.   Yu Xiu panicked, "slave girl said the wrong thing, Wangfei rest, don't be angry body ......"   "No, I don't care." I shook my head and just laughed, saying words that were hard to believe myself.   "Slave girl shouldn't have talked too much, it's all slave girl's fault!" Yu Xiu was at her wits' end, almost ready to cry.   Seeing her anxious demeanor, she is truly worried for me, making my heart more and more sad.   Here is my husband, my nominal home, with many servants, but only this little girl cares about my likes and dislikes.   I leaned against the porch column, blankly looking around, everything in front of me looks more and more strange, where is home?   I want to go home.   But where to go back to ...... the capital, Hui state, or here?   Full of desolation, coldness through the bones.   I lowered my head to cover my face, to hold back the pain in my heart, to suppress the tears of cowardice, let Yu Xiu how to call, also do not look up.   Until she violently pulled my sleeve, in my side hurriedly kneel down.   I looked up and saw that at the end of the corridor, Xiao Qi stood with his arms folded, and behind him, several military generals retreated awkwardly to the side.   He came in stride, I was in a trance for a moment, too late to wipe away a little tear at the corner of my eye.   Today he is not wearing military attire, wearing a black robe with wide lapel and wide sleeves, high crown and hair, looking handsome and dignified.   "Why not in the room?" He frowned, but his voice was warm, "The weather in the north is cool, beware of the cold."   Hearing his words of concern, my heart stung more and more, indifferently lowering my gaze, "I'm sorry for your majesty's concern."   He was speechless for a moment.   The wind outside the court passed, blowing my belt fluttering, through the clothes cool.   He looked at me deeply, seemed to have something to say, but a long time silence.   A stone's throw away, what to say is also weak.   I converge head as a salute, turn around and leave.   I went back to the room, chest stuffy and lack of, nap for a moment, but tossing and turning difficult to sleep.   I closed my eyes, Xiao Qi's figure swept in front of me for a while, and then my parents' appearance.   Thinking of my aunt, I remembered that she said, leaving the blessing of the family, I will have nothing.   And now the situation, really is the loss of the family's shelter, wandering alone, honor and disgrace, and even life and death are in the hands of one person.   Since when, I am no longer a thousand favorites in the county, no longer parents under the knees of the delicate and capricious little daughter, no longer be Zi Tantan always cared for in the palm of the a flattering ...... these have been forever no longer.   Since stepping into the wedding hall, become Yuzhang Wangfei that day, destined to this life, I will stand in this man side, crowned with his surname, by him together into the unknown future.   The long wind of the border, the cold moon of the desert, on this side of the desert, all I have is this man.   If he is willing, he may be able to support a whole new world for me.   If he goes away, will my whole world collapse in an instant?   I tossed and turned on the pillow, filled with sadness and helplessness.   In this world, even parents and relatives will turn away, who else will not leave?   His words from last night vaguely lingered in my ears, and I can't forget him saying, "From now on, you are my royal consort, the woman who will share this life with me, and I forbid you to be weak."   If I can, I would like to believe, believe his mouth in this life ...... this life, but also such a long time.   This life this time, the original, not only I and he two people, but also separated by so many irrelevant people and things.   Incoherent, I originally thought it was incoherent.   Until that living woman stood in front of my eyes, his concubine, his woman ...... how can it be irrelevant?   Just in a trance, outside the faint sound of human speech, into the ear more and more call me upset.   "Who is clamoring?" I sat up, frowning gathered temples hair.   Yu Xiu hurriedly reported back, "It's Mrs. Lu leading the two girls, Yu'er and Qing Liu, waiting outside for the princess."   I sank my face, and for the first time, I said sternly to the subordinates, "Is there any rule in this royal residence, where I live in my bedchamber, can I let people trespass?"   All servant girls panicked and knelt on the ground, cowering and not dare to reply, Yu Xiu timidly said: "Reporting to the princess, Mrs. Lu said that she was under the orders of the king, brought two girls over, insisted on waiting here for the princess to wake up, slave girl ...... slave girl did not dare to stop."   Another Mrs. Lu, I am full of boredom are turned into a nameless fire, but also want to see, here and how many wanton lackeys, do not put me this empty name of the king consort in the eyes.   "Pass on my words, have the person who made the clamor come to the front of the court to kneel and wait." I lifted the curtain and rose, changing my clothes and combing my makeup.